The Importance of Self Care for Caregivers
There’s a phrase called “pathological altruism,” and I see it all over the place in health professions. There’s so much need and so many gaps in the systems that are meant to support us, that as a caregiver it can feel like there’s no time to care for yourself.
Self-care can even feel shameful. There is this idea that your job is just to give, give, give. The healthcare system is littered with people who took that lie on and found themselves burned out, rusty and scarred. The big shift here is to understand that your job is to be the best caregiver in the world…but in order to do that you must take care of yourself.
You are an instrument of care for another person, therefore, how well you are feeling has an effect on how well you work. You have to elevate your own care in some ways above the care of the person you’re in charge of caring for. This is key. This is something we need to be reminded of again and again. If you don’t prioritize your own needs, you will be steamrolled. That’s not only terrible for you, but also for the person you’re caring for because on some level they will be aware that you’re wrung out on their behalf or that they’re a burden.
Many patients feel like they’re a burden. Feeling like a burden is the number one reason people want to hasten their own deaths. You, as a caregiver, can counter that by finding some joy and pride in your work as a caregiver.
Remember, caring for yourself too will help your person both directly and indirectly.
Asking for Help as a Form of Self-Care
This is where caregiver communication with the medical team can be really powerful around prognosis. The caregiver really needs to stay conservative and adjudicate where they are able to spend their energies. For example, if you know that the issue involves dementia which has a trajectory of decline over time, you can guess how that’s going to play out versus an issue like organ failure. My point here is to talk with the medical team and get details about these anticipated trajectories of decline. Once you have a prognosis you can plan and prepare around it.
Then sometimes you have what I call “waterfalls” where all hell breaks loose. Sometimes you may just find yourself in a waterfall and all you can do is try to get through it. That’s when you feel like you’re in battle; there’s no contemplation going on, you’re just pinging from need to need. That just may be the state you’re in. That can’t last long. If you find yourself in a waterfall for more than a week or two, that means you’re actually dealing with something more chronic. You may need to take a step back, because you can’t just hang on in that state for months on end.
Caregiving During a Pandemic
Lastly, in regard to COVID, all I can say is that your job as a caregiver is treatment. Medical care is littered with trade offs because everything is a tradeoff. It’s like the Serenity Prayer, you’ve got things you can change, and you’ve got things you can’t change. Constantly be asking yourself, “Where can I affect change, where do I need to be present, where do I need to just get out of the way…” That kind of agility is key.
COVID is just one more thing on a list of things you can’t control and that you need to stay present with. That’s why so much of this job is being present with what it is rather than how you wish things were. You choose your best option at every turn. Nothing is perfect, very often you’re left choosing between the least of two sh*#!y options, but that’s very often what it feels like. That’s just the way it is.
One of my mantras is to always forgive myself in advance. I try to forgive myself in advance, all the time as a caregiver.
