Supporting a Griever

Flowers, saying “I’m sorry for your loss”, and being an open listener are some of the common strategies that we have heard when it comes to supporting someone who is grieving. Some people dismiss these gestures because they feel empty. But honestly, they are still effective ways to show people that you care.

As someone who has experienced loss, what really helps me is when someone doesn’t run away from me or any part of me. I appreciate when someone can authentically share the awkward tension.

You can also say a lot with your eyes or a hand on the shoulder. Empathy doesn’t necessarily need to be verbal, but one way or another, it requires that we do not run away from each other. And I mean that both physically and emotionally. As a provider and a friend, there are many times when I don’t know what to say and I’m not sure what they need to hear. So I’ll talk myself out of even trying. I’ll talk myself into believing that they don’t want me to bring it up. Well, this is generally not true.

I think this is where we’re being called to build out our capacity. And for me it’s very helpful to remember that my definition of compassion is to feel something on behalf of somebody else. It should be endless. Where I start getting squirrely is when I feel obligated to do something — when thoughts like “I’m supposed to make this all better” or “I’m supposed to fix it” arise, I just remind myself it costs nothing for me to feel something. It truly is an endless supply of feeling. I believe that teasing out compassion and actually feeling something through someone, whether it’s through vibes, words, or flowers registers somewhere in our body.

These days, feeling something - really feeling something- on behalf of another person is a form of activism.