Intimacy, Connection and The Senses

Sex is not just intercourse. Connection is the thing.

Just about anything can be erogenous and sexy. Sex is in many ways an aesthetic pursuit in that it comes to us via the senses but also in that it has its own power and exists for its own sake.

You may say that sex is simply intercourse or that sex is purely for procreation purposes, and that’s okay. But even when sex is simply a means to an end there is still something majestic and powerful about the act itself. Therefore, even if we aren’t reproducing, sex is a powerful and potent way to reconnect to that primal place within ourselves and to connect with others. It is an important part of being alive and human.

We can define sex and what constitutes sex however we’d like. That being said, there is a whole world waiting for each of us beyond conventional sex and within it. Ultimately, I believe we are all yearning for connection — a desire to connect to that primal place within ourselves and with each other. A desire to feel alive. This is what sexuality and the act of sex, however you may define it, offers us.

Intimacy with Yourself

It is often presumed that everyone has somebody in their lives, whether it be one you’re caring for or someone who’s caring for you. Nevertheless, the reality is that not everyone has someone in their lives. Many are alone and even those who have somebody may struggle with feelings of loneliness.

One of the things that may be hindering you from returning to your previous sex life or finding a new sex life may be simply finding someone to do it with. However, just because you are alone doesn’t mean you no longer have access to sex.

Today’s world gives you access to the internet and all that goes with it; pornography and chat rooms. There are many sex positive things to do online and there are ways to find your community online. This may not be very satisfying for everyone, but it is worth at least giving a chance. It is also noteworthy to mention that it is possible to have some sex life by yourself — namely masturbation.

Lastly, however, it is important to note that these things are not just about the sex act, but about feeling at home in your body and feeling sexy. It’s about the expression of feeling the creative energy that goes with this primal act. It’s about feeling alive. There is a lot to explore, even by yourself.

Don’t give up on the idea of a sex life even if you are alone.

Connecting Sensually to the World Around You

Another important fact is that connection does not have to happen with another person. Connection can happen each day with the world around us. We can connect with nature, animals — the entire world around us reaches out to us for connection. If sex or the act of sex is out of reach, that deep yearning for connection may be achieved in other ways.

An example of this is a patient of mine, a man I treated years ago at UCSF. He had a difficult diagnosis and a difficult personality to pair with it. Many people at the hospital were not fond of him and there were many complaints. However, this man didn’t seem to mind in the slightest. As we got to know each other he began to feel safe and started sharing his history with me. We talked about connection and intimacy and one day he shared with me that he was a photographer. He had a habit of walking the San Francisco streets late at night, just him and his camera, and it was then that he would take pictures and connect to the world around him on his own terms. When I saw his pictures, I was stunned. His pictures were incredibly intimate, sensitive, and sweet — so much different than the man so many at the hospital had encountered at face value.

It was then that I realized that this was how this man was filling his need for connection — through his photographs. A whole world had opened up to him through his photography not as a means for others to understand him, but as a means for him to feel connected to the world around him. I can almost guarantee that this man was not having sex in any conventional sense of the word, but he was connected, and that was plenty for him.

Feeling Via Your Senses

Don’t give up the notion of sexiness, sexuality, and sensuality. For ourselves, maybe sex is rare and something like a massage would be central to feeling something with your senses again. There is an importance to return to the central place of physical sensation and pleasure.

It is important to note that what used to turn you on may no longer be the same. However, even as you’re grieving that loss, begin to pay attention to where you can feel good. What feels good to you presently may be a wholly new approach to your body and it’s changing needs.

Pay attention to what excites you. You may find that what feels good and what excites you change as your body changes. There is almost an endless amount to explore. If you can center yourself within your body and move to keep up with your body as it experiences these changes, you will find that these things do not disappear, but rather change form.

The central place of physical pleasure is very open ended and not purely sexual. It is not loaded with ideas of what’s good, bad, painful, or pleasurable to the system. It’s simply about feeling something with your senses and staying present in your body with what you are feeling. That is the most extensive, least formulaic way to approach sensation in my opinion.

As long as any of us has as body, I assume that we all have rights to it and we all have access to some place within ourselves where we get to feel sensuous and maybe even sexual; but for many, starting with simply feeling anything is a very large step in the right direction.

Physical sensation is a very powerful reminder that you have a body and that you are connected to the world around you.