Families and Co-Grieving

None of us live in a vacuum. We all operate within groups and systems. We’re social critters and families often go through losses together, whether it be the loss of a loved one, loss of a pet, or the loss of a home.

The thing about grief though is that it’s not an orderly process. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross gave us the stages of grief that hold together well, but they’re not necessarily linear. You don’t step through this process from one emotion to the next. It’s much more free flowing than that.

So, coordinating grief between people–even close people–can be really tricky. You may be feeling up while another person may be down.

There will be some days where the entire family might be in a rut and it’s just nobody can be helpful to one another.

If you’re not watchful of family dynamics, people can become competitive with their grief. Whose grief is bigger? Who demands more attention? I think the key here with co-grieving is to name it, while practicing effective communication, patience and kindness. You can’t force grief.

So just let it flow and ask for space from the people who you know and love and give them the same.

For a stark contrast to the archetypal grief, when we were lowering my sister into her casket at her funeral, I started laughing. I was so embarrassed, as you can imagine. But I couldn’t stop it. Obviously, there was nothing funny about this moment, but in those seconds, I was struck by how absurd all of this was, and the laughter came out of me. I had no control over it.

What I really needed in this moment was patience and understanding. Luckily, I got that from the people around me. This is why it’s so important to note grief. In doing so, you can create and give space to people. If you don’t name grief, you sound like you’re moody and you can start stepping on toes.

Take advantage of the cover of grief. We should grant that space to each other.